Di Vorced’s Neighborhood

Oh, this was so interesting...

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EvilJam’s humors

NPD: Pathological Liars or Gaslighting?

GASLIGHTING
(from Games Abusers Play at Cosmicwalk)

This term comes from a 40's movie called "Gaslight" about a man who plays mind games with his wife to convince her that she is losing her mind. It's a really simple game but an extremely effective way to gain mental control over someone because it causes them to question their own judgement and sense of reality.

Perhaps you suddenly start misplacing and losing things far more frequently than you ever have before. You are absolutely certain that you put the keys on the cupboard, but they're not there. It throws you off balance because you always put them on the cupboard and can't understand why you would have put them somewhere else. After much anxious searching, you finally find them in the most unlikely place. - Even now you have no recall of putting them there, perhaps you don't even remember entering this room after coming home.

This can happen to us sometimes, but gaslighting is when we did not misplace the keys in the first place. They were moved and we were made to believe that we had misplaced them.

Another example is that you start getting things wrong. You're supposed to meet darling bully at your favourite restaurant for dinner. You plan it well to make sure that you arrive exactly at 7pm as agreed. Now this can go a number of ways: He is standing waiting and in a foul mood because you are so late, insisting that he told you to be there at 6:30. You are absolutely convinced that he said 7.

He is not there and you wait and wait. He finally arrives at 7:30, insisting that this is the time he told you to meet him. As with the prior situation, you are convinced he said 7.

He is not there and you wait and wait. Finally you get a call asking you where you are. He insists that he had told you to meet him at the other restaurant. You are convinced he said this one.

There are many variations on the theme and they can sometimes get quite elaborate, with various details built in to make it more certain that you were the one who misunderstood. The added detail adds plausibility to his version and makes it seem more likely that you are the one who got it wrong.

Gaslighting is a game that can be played in a number of different ways and the key factor is that you begin to question yourself and feel as if you are losing your mind.

The initiator can do this to you for one of two reasons: because they find it entertaining to watch somebody getting distressed or because they are deliberately trying to make you and other people doubt yourself - and ultimately your sanity - as a strategic move.

The desired end result could be anything from simply having power over you to a deliberate preparation for a child custody battle.

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Wikipedia defines this little known evil as such: "Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It uses persistent denials of fact which, as they build up over time, make the victim progressively anxious, confused, and less able to trust his or her own memory and perception. A variation of gaslighting, used as a form of harassment, is to subtly alter aspects of a victim's environment, thereby upsetting his or her peace of mind, sense of security, etc."

I have never seen a case of NPD where gaslighting does not come into play. In my opinion, it is one of the hallmarks of the condition and should be included in the DSM-IV criterion. Many NPD victims comment that their N's are pathological liars, but in reality this is just one of the many facets of the overall gaslighting tactic.

I believe that N's use gaslighting as a preemptive strike. Not only does it make the victim feel like there is something wrong with her/him, but it makes them look like THEY are the ones with a psychological problem and thus becomes the N's defense route when the victim finally escapes.

Where Is Everyone?

Serendipity
Jul 1, 2008
3 comments

Where is everyone? Why aren't you on here speculating on the upcoming (unknown) happenings slated for our beloved webboard?

Watertown Farmers Market Week 2

This past Wednesday, My husband Scott, my children, Katy and Daniel and myself visited the Market. It had rained earlier but was now cleared up.

Katy even agreed to let me get some photos of her shopping around, which normally she would vehemently bow out from.

Also Daniel was excited about seeing Dr. Timothy Abel, from the Jefferson County Historical Society portraying one of the Riflemen (RRR) of the 1812 War. He was very interested in the weapon of that era and the ammunition as well.

http://www.fortatkinsononline.org/1stRifles.htm
http://www.1812usriflemen.org/

The month of June at the Market will be dedicated to all in the Military Service. There will be discounts to be had for them for appreciation of what they do for our country.

One more thing that is different this year, is the ability to use your debit/credit and food stamp card.

Just visit the Chamber of Commerce booth, they will take your card and complete the transaction of whatever you would like to spend. It doesn't cost you anything to do so...no extra fees. You will be given tokens to spend at the vendors of your choice. They will be reimbursed by the COC.

So please enjoy the photos!
http://s231.photobucket.com/albums/ee187/chattykathy1960/South%20Massey%20St%20cemetery/farmers%20market%20week%202/?action=view&current=5f5ea037.pbw

Watertown Farmers Market Week 1

Re: Farm, Craft, and Antique Market

« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2008, 10:08:15 PM »

Quote

Well, today was a very good day to the start of the annual Watertown Farm & Craft Market.

All locals know that when you hear Farmer's Market on Wednesday, it is synonymous with rain and thunderstorms.

Well, not today! In fact it was a glorious day, just a slight nip in the air, but hardly noticeable.

The crowds weren't heavy as they can sometimes be in the Summer, but of course we know that as soon as the kids are let out of school..That will change.

I met up with some familiar faces from over the years of attending the market, and then met some new faces as well today!

Some that we are familiar with, are folks like Paul Lee.

He is a local artisan, and to have one of his drawings in your home is a treasure to behold. Within his drawings hold secret 'visions' and words, that keep you looking deep within the picture to find more than the face value drawing.

He has drawings of fish, bear, Indian beauties and more.

A new face I met on my travels through out the market was a woman named Veronica Ladson.

She was selling a small table full of baked goods. She told me that in July she was going to get the best 'care' package of all, her husband was returning from Iraq for some R&R.

She said that she might miss a market or two, but maybe she will bring him here and help. I told her that would be great to meet him. I let her know that we all appreciate the service he is giving his country.

Then I made my way down the sidewalk to where the flowers were, a woman named Maria Matiz-Mix stood by her table of herbs and veggies that have recently sprouted up.

On the side of the table there was a bucket full of Spring perennial blooms. Which is more of what she is famous for on the market. Her beautiful and generous flower bouquets. She said she has been on the market for 15 years now. Now that's a lot of blooms!

Further down, I reach The Polar Bear truck, housed in this truck is the heart of the business. From coffee and donuts to taco chips and cheese sauce. Everything delish!

In the Summer heat they will offer sno-cones with delightful Summer fruit flavors. For the more mature taste buds, they will also have creamy potato salad and hot dogs. I can hardly wait!

As I near the end of my trip through the Market, I find Nelson Eddy behind the grill. There you will find the best fresh coffee and donuts in the morning.

As the day progresses the Hoffman hotdogs/hamburgs come out....rounded off with a dill pickle....They also offer the famous Black Angus burgers. Sounds delicious!

Well, I hope you have enjoyed this first but certainly not the last tour of the Farmer's Market...There will be more people I'll see and talk to next time...

Next week will be an introduction to the very beginning, where it all started.

Did you know, that the very first Watertown Farm Market wasn't at the State Office Building?

Stay tuned for more next week. Enjoy the slide show. Make note to myself, turn off back light to camera.
http://s231.photobucket.com/albums/ee187/chattykathy1960/Watertown%20Farm%20and%20Craft%20Market%202008/?action=view&current=ab84b011.pbw

I Finally made it!

chattykathy
May 30, 2008
1 comment

Well, I am finally making it over to the 'other' side. I am up at 12:25 AM, couldn't sleep. My son Daniel, his friend Anthony and my grandson Zay are all to bed now. My husband Scott got home earlier from work, but ran to the store to buy some milk.

He has been working on a Science project with our son, in regards to sucking HHO out of water and then having it run through a tube to the air compressor....they have had many trial and errors. Supposively, this will some how increase gas mileage.

Scott and one of his co-workers John Kubis, the weatherman in the evening, have been comparing notes. One trip to the Metal Man, to pick up some parts, and he found he apparently isn't the only one that had this thought.

I prefer to actually be a little more aggressive than even this.....I will buy a horse and carriage, it will become the new thing to go to the Mall. I will then use the manure in the garden.

What was once old is new again. The Amish had it right all along. I may not get there fast, but I won't go broke doing it.

Well, hubbyhas returned with 1% milk, and of course my favoe beverage of all time......Diet Coke....

Good night folks....More later, Kathy

Narcissists and Personal Responsibility

Taken from Dr. Sam Vaknin:

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq13.html

The narcissist is not entirely responsible for his actions. Should we judge him, get angry at him, be upset by him?

Answer:

The narcissist knows to tell right from wrong. He is perfectly capable of anticipating the results of his actions and their influence on his human environment. The narcissist is very perceptive and sensitive to the subtlest nuances. He has to be: the very integrity of his personality depends upon input from others.

But the narcissist does not care. Unable to empathise, he does not fully experience the outcomes of his deeds and decision. For him, humans are dispensable, rechargeable, reusable. They are there to fulfil a function: to supply him with Narcissistic Supply (adoration, admiration, approval, affirmation, etc.) They do not have an existence apart from carrying out their "duties".

True: it is the disposition of the narcissist to treat humans in the inhuman way that he does. However, this propensity is absolutely controllable. The narcissist has a choice – he just doesn't think anyone is worth making it.

It is a fact that the narcissist can behave completely differently (under identical circumstances) – depending on who else is involved in the situation. He is not likely to be enraged by the behaviour of an important person (=with a potential to supply him narcissistically). But, he might become absolutely violent with his nearest and dearest under the same circumstances. This is because they are captives, they do not have to be won over, the Narcissistic Supply coming from them is taken for granted.

Being a narcissist does not exempt the patient from being a human being. A person suffering from NPD must be subjected to the same moral treatment and judgement as the rest of us, less privileged ones. The courts do not recognise NPD as a mitigating circumstance – why should we?

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As I read Dr. Sam's thoughts above, I still struggle with my own views, which tend to disagree with his viewpoint on judging an N's personal responsibility. I haven't completely made up my mind yet, but I'm leaning towards the belief that although (as Sam says) N's know how to tell right from wrong, perhaps they are pschologically unable to stop the compulsion that causes them to inflict such pain on others.

Sam himself expresses the belief that N's are unable to empathize. Therefore, I believe that it's more than possible that the one-sided view of the world they are cursed with, causes them to have no motivation to be different and no emotional understanding of the true harm they cause. Perhaps you might say, they know what they do is morally wrong, but they are unable to feel it. They DO feel pain and remorse, but only in terms of themselves; i.e. "how their behaviors ruin their lives." They are intellectually able to know they inflict pain, but they have no concept of how that pain makes YOU feel.

NPD is poorly understood and further complicated by conflicting professional opinions. Unlike most of the other personality disorders, little research has been done. Theories abound but no one really knows what causes it. NPD appears to be "treatable" in infrequent instances but is ultimately rarely, if ever, curable. So in essense, it is more like a chronic incurable condition.

This all leads back to my initial dilema of deciding the extent of an N's "personal responsibility." For example, if a child has ADHD and can't sit stilll, is he responsible (while untreated) for not sitting still? So if it is true that "the disposition of the narcissist is to treat humans in the inhuman way he does," is he truly responsible (morally not legally) for his behaviors and their consequences? Or is our anger and need to assign blame, an excuse for not facing our own failures and allowing ourselves to become "victims?"

Make Lemonade

The two disorders that most fascinate me are NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). NPD has a bleak prognosis due to the very limited capability of the sufferer to aquire insight. The defenses of this disorder makes it extremely difficult to ever aquire true insight, or perhaps true desire to be anything different. BPD can have a more optimistic prognosis, depending on the level of insight that the disordered personality is capable of aquiring. (I'll blog more on BPD in the future, as I have had some amazing and very positive experiences with people with BPD who have taught me more about the disorder than any book I've ever read).

Personality disorders are not "per se" mental ilnesses. All of us have traits that make up our personalities. But when one or several maladaptive patterns of relating or inflexible behaviors dominate our core personality to the point of making us unable to function in a socially acceptable form, or even to obtain a normal degree of happiness, they may be the basis of a disordered personality.

I blog in several different locations otside of VOX. I blog mostly about NPD. I have been amazed by the number of NPD victims that have communicated with me. I'm not even sure how they found my blogs, as many writers have been from countries all over the world.

I'm beginning to suspect that the disorder may be a tad more common than clinical studies have estimated. Why? Probably because most "N's" are extremely intelligent and present a somewhat "normal" facade to the general public. They are even able to repress traits that might identify them during therapy. And most of the victims are ashamed to find themselves in this situation and tend to hide the truth from others...even therapists.

Many that communicated with me have heartbreaking stories of pain and suffering. They are not only romantic relationships but sadly; children, siblings, friends, and co-workers of those with this devastating personality disorder.

All of you have given me so much...without even realizing it. I have discovered that I'm not alone in my quest for information. So little is know about the disorder and truth be told, I've found that victims of NPD often have a better understanding of the disorder than those profesionals who study it from textbooks. Each of you are in various stages: from active relationships to full recovery. From each of you I glean invaluable information, and (as a close friend reminded me), knowledge is power.

To all of you actively involved in a personal relationship with an "N," I can only say that there IS an end to the guilt and pain, if you WANT there to be an end. And you in turn, become a better person. The "pot of gold" at the end of the rainbow is that victims return to normal life and healthy relationships. They learn to appreciate the good in others (the thing once taken for granted). They learn to move on and forgive..not only their transgressors, but themselves as well.

They re-learn trust, because to do otherwise would be perpetuating victimhood.

They learn to accept their own imperfections and like themselves despite those imperfections.

And best of all, they learn how wonderful life is...that even in the face of adversity, they find the strength to be good, caring, empathetic people.

Ironically this is something "N's" will probably never find.